May 15, 2009
GL: that shopping cart.
ME: which one?
GL: the one lying down.
ME: you mean the one on its side?
GL: yeah, what happened to it?
ME: well, it was really windy this morning, so the wind probably knocked it over.
GL: why did the wind do that??? that's not nice, right, mom?
ME: the wind probably didn't MEAN to do it, it was most likely an accident.
GL: oh. then did the wind say "i'm sorry" to the cart?
May 13, 2009
YAS: what's wrong with your old one?
ME: well, after 37 years of people coming up to me and rattling off in korean, i figured it was time to get over it and maybe pick up a few phrases like, "don't judge a book by its cover."
YAS: that's probably way too subtle. besides, it might actually encourage more conversation. by the way, what's wrong with looking korean? i like korean girls.
ME: is that why you married chinese?
YAS: i also like chinese girls.
ME: i suspect there's a very chinese-looking woman out there, with my exact birthdate, walking around speaking perfect korean, and getting approached and annoyed by presumptuous chinese speakers.
YAS: why don't you verify your theory with your mother?
ME: meh, she'd probably want her biological daughter back and then send me to the orphanage.
May 12, 2009
SIL: i know.
ME: what do you mean you know? you're married!
SIL: and i wouldn't ever want to be NOT married with a child. i can't imagine or handle the amount of work involved in raising a kid alone.
ME: is that supposed to make me feel better?
SIL: i'm just saying i totally sympathize and you can bend my ear anytime.
ME: i do bend your ear anytime.
SIL: if it would make you feel better to commiserate with other single mothers, then why don't you?
ME: my access to single mothers is rather limited.
SIL: so reach out. you yourself said that lots of people, single and married, blog about parenthood. i'm sure a number of them are single.
ME: are you suggesting that i blog about my plight???
SIL: sure, do whatever would make you feel heard.
ME: oh, single parenthood has been blogged to death.
SIL: then blog about anything else. blog about work.
ME: blog about work? don't you know, that's the kiss of death!
SIL: what do you mean?
ME: you've never heard of dooce?
SIL: oh just use pseudonyms. don't you have a boss who's wanted by the FBI or something?
ME: the justice department, there's a difference. and i'm definitely not going there.
SIL: how about the one whose wife got death threats for publicly denouncing gays?
ME: excuse me, she didn't publicly denounce gays, she's merely a strong supporter of prop. 8.
SIL: same difference. and the one who's a closet racist and keeps a thousand-pound arsenal in his house?
ME: hey, that's a little inflammatory, don't you think?
SIL: well then stick to the boring one who skips work to meet his gay lover and bites his fingernails raw.
ME: i'm so getting dooced.
May 11, 2009
ME: thank you, monkee!
GL: are you a mudder, mom?
ME: yes, i am.
GL: is puo puo a mudder, mom?
ME: she is, yes.
GL: and jio mah is a mudder too?
ME: that is correct.
GL: tai puo is a mudder, right?
GL: i want to be a mudder too, mom!
ME: oh, why?
GL: cuz mudders are nice.
ME: oh really?
GL: yep, and they smell nice, and buy me things, play with me, and hug and kiss me.
ME: and how about they tell you to go to bed, or finish your dinner, or stop jumping on the sofa?
GL: they're still nice.
ME: and when they say no more candy?
ME: and when i tell you to clean up your mess and pick up your toys?
ME: or when you do something you're not supposed to and i put you in time out?
ME: yes, monkee?
GL: can i be a dad?
May 8, 2009
You'll be attracted to unattractive things today -- your vision is probing much more deeply below the surface, and your mind is waking up to the fact that something that looks perfect on the outside can be very ugly on the inside. Beyond not judging a person by their appearance or a book by its cover, you will want to read a few pages inside of it before you get a complete idea of how attractive someone truly is. Do not miss the opportunity to know someone better.
ME: okay, what in the world am i supposed to do with this???
SIL: um, be less critical?
ME: am i critical?
ME: seriously, what does a sane person do with such a horrid horoscope?
SIL: try dating against type.
ME: and what would that be?
SIL: in your case, a non-WEASC*.
ME: are you saying i should go out with a feeble-minded high school drop-out who overly emotes?
SIL: for kicks, why not? besides, the way you write off guys, you'll be celibate for the rest of your life.
ME: this has nothing to do with celibacy, which i happen to find pretty nifty.
SIL: "nifty." man, do you need help.
*WELL-EDUCATED (over-)ACHIEVING STOIC CHINESE
YAS: her facebook pictures, they’re nothing but her humongous boobs. did she get them done?
ME: what makes you think i would know?
YAS: because, she tells you everything, including the real cause of her divorce.
ME: okay, one, she most certainly does NOT tell me everything. and two, she did say she’s now more voluptuous because of her recent weight gain.
YAS: oh please, no asian woman can achieve that kind of NATURAL voluptuousness even if she gained 200 lbs.
ME: maybe she’s found some enhancement bra more effective than the miracle bra.
YAS: if that were true, then half the plastic surgeons in beverly hills would be out of work.
ME: well, she’s really good with make-up, face AND body.
YAS: same argument applies.
ME: um, maybe she’s been getting lots of massages from her boyfriend.
YAS: heh. you really believed that technique would work 15 years ago, didn’t you? and i don’t see that it’s done you any good, despite my good efforts.
ME: i believed a lot of things you said. anyway, you and i haven’t dated in nearly 15 years, thus any rights you have to comment on my boobs have long since expired.
YAS: so did she get them done?
ME: if salaciousness were a crime, you’d be on death row.
YAS: along with rest of the male population. so did she get them done?
ME: that’s what the penal code ought to criminalize, salaciousness.
YAS: oooooooh, penal.
ME: honestly, haven’t you better things to do than ogle boobs, real or fake?
ME: well then?
YAS: so did she get them done?
SIL: yep, will probably use one this weekend if they haven't run out.
ME: KFC won't accept them on sunday, but el pollo loco will. i heard on the radio this morning.
SIL: awesome. but do i really want fried chicken on mother's day???
ME: grilled, not fried.
SIL: did you ever send the link to mr. X? you know how much he enjoys freebies.
ME: the last thing i want is for my ex-husband to accuse me of another totally absurd crime, like causing him to get the swine flu from eating free KFC or something.
SIL: yeah, like how he accused you of egging his car? as if you were clever enough or had enough balls to do something like that?!
ME: hey, i resent that!
SIL: well, if you were truly clever or had balls, you might still be married.
ME: are you saying that my marriage failed on account of my lack of brilliance and male gonads?
SIL: yours AND his.
ME: i'll have you know that according to kevin bacon, my marriage failed due to the lack of clean fights and dirty sex.
SIL: if that were truly the ties that bind, NOBODY would be married.
ME: you don't believe that kevin bacon and his wife keep their fights clean and the sex dirty?
SIL: oh sweetie, you've really redeemed too many of those coupons for naivete, haven't you?!